Restructuring

You know you can't keep lettin' it get you down 

And you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around. 

If there ain't all that much to lug around, 

Better run like hell when you hit the ground. 

OK GO, "This Too Shall Pass"

Post-viva, my head was spinning for weeks.  Crazed notions of "why did I even want to do a PhD, anyway" were constant companions.  The main issue with my initial thesis was the structure. I chose to address each topic individually in chapters, then unite them in a final chapter on how each tied together. This, apparently, was not to my examiners tastes.  It would be better, it was suggested, to take the three main chapters and unify the topics throughout.  This would add strength to my argument itself, as the argument is about synthesis, and also would lend itself more to eventual publication.  I'm okay with this. Now. For weeks, I wasn't.  Even though I was told this isn't "rewriting, but restructuring," I could not get my head around the fact that my thesis was picked apart cosmetically when I had been fully prepared to argue the validity of my content.  The fact that my structure had been discussed in various supervisory board meetings and had been approved throughout my progress is something I'd rather not discuss.

I still stand by original scheme, but if it means passing, I will restructure.  Only, what I have discovered is that to restructure, I must rewrite. It's been discouraging, trying to figure out how to do what has been asked of me.  I have taken to crazy note-making on a blackboard, and even a mad moveable post-it note scheme that allows me to move around specific elements of my thesis in a visual way so that I can see if everything will flow properly.  What can  say? I'm a visual thinker. 

Finally, I think I have my new structure.  Now, the task is making it all work and rewriting the necessary bits. I'm hoping this will all be done by the end of July... and any rewriting and editing can be done in August, if necessary.  I keep calling this my diaspora.  Just as the Jewish people were scattered into Babylon, so too will my thesis be scattered into new chapters, with some of it even being scattered to the wind, I'm sure. 

But the point is, I'm feeling better about it.  It took a while.  It knocked my confidence.  But at the end of the day, I love my thesis. I am proud of my work.  And I will finish this damned PhD if it kills me.